Why our bodies never seem to match our expectations — and why that’s okay

Growing up surrounded by sisters often means noticing differences more than similarities. One of those differences was how their bodies looked compared to mine — especially my stomach, which never felt flat no matter how hard I tried. I spent years feeling frustrated, believing my body didn’t meet the standard. Then rugby changed everything. When I started playing rugby in college, my focus shifted from how I looked to what I could do. Winning two national championships didn’t make my stomach smaller, but it showed me something more important — bodies aren’t just about appearance. They’re tools for action, strength, and persistence. I started to respect mine for what it could accomplish, not how it looked in the mirror. But life doesn’t stay the same. When rugby ended and grad school began, my routine changed. Training hours vanished. My body softened. Pants felt tighter. Running wasn’t as easy. I told myself I still believed in loving my body no matter what — but the truth was harder to face. My self-worth had been tied to performance, and when that faded, so did my confidence.Many people struggle with body image, and it starts young. Over half of girls as young as 13 dislike their bodies, and that number jumps sharply by 17. Boys often wish they were more muscular. The pressure is everywhere — in families, schools, and social media. Almost half of kids aged 9 to 11 are already trying to control their weight. Where do they learn this? Many get ideas from adults around them, with most families engaging in diets that send mixed messages. I tried dieting too, but it only made things worse. Between conflicting advice online and my own stress, I felt trapped in a cycle of frustration. I realized I wasn’t just judging my body on looks anymore — I was judging it on performance. Psychologists call this “contingent self-worth, ” where a person’s value depends on success in one area. When that area changes, self-esteem crumbles. This trap isn’t just for athletes. Anyone can fall into it — tying their dignity to what they can do or how they appear. But bodies change with time, injury, or illness. Research shows people who link their worth to physical traits face bigger emotional swings and higher chances of depression when things shift. Confidence built on shaky ground doesn’t last. True self-worth comes from something deeper. Your body isn’t just a machine for performance or a picture to judge. It’s the way you experience life, connect with others, and grow. It’s the reason you exist at all. Appreciating that — not chasing perfection — might be the real key to feeling good about yourself.